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| Who is this Chuck Norris person and does he have a flashlight? |
Howdy, folks!
Racing toward the 2019 finish line, but still need to recap the magic that was November! In addition to wrapping up our (perhaps ill-advised) Chuck Norris marathon, we also participated in our 15th annual Turkey Day with the good folks over at Kitley’s Krypt. FIFTEEN YEARS OF TURKEY, SUCKAHSSSS….
In all seriousness, I feel extraordinarily grateful to have been there from the beginning (or at least when Jon decided to start sharing the pain after two years of enduring it alone), watching the event evolve from a couple of dudes watching flicks and eating Thanksgiving leftovers to a glorious cavalcade of questionable cinematic adventures and delicious gourmet pizzas! There were 17 different varieties this year, including Miso, Paneer, Chili Dog, Crab Rangoon, Breakfast (meat or veggie), Rueben, The Drunken Billy (spaghetti pizza), Jalapeno Popper, Spinach/Artichoke, Italian Beef, Chorizo/Egg, Huevos Rancheros, Poblano/Corn, Mac and Cheese, Biscuits and Gravy, and Western (BBQ w/ sausage, bacon, onion). Many thanks to the rotating repertory of regulars for making the shared ride so enjoyable, and especially to the Kitleys for indulging our vast appetites for a decade and a half.
In other news, my Code of Silence viewing earlier in the month prompted me to dig deeper into director Andrew Davis’ C.V., splitting time between revisits (The Fugitive, Under Siege) and previously unviewed fare (Holes, The Guardian). For some reason, he seems to have stopped directing since 2006 – not sure what the story is there since the dude was riding pretty high. Love to have him get back in the chair sooner than later.
As always, feel free to leave your two cents worth – we’ll make sure you get some change back.
Enjoy!
HORROR:
Deep Red (1994) d. Baxley, Craig R. (USA) (1st viewing)
In this so-so TV-movie, Michael Biehn plays a burnt-out detective who stumbles onto a conspiracy combining extraterrestrial genomes and unsavory government types who wish to exploit the mysterious substance’s life-prolonging properties. Baxley, who directed the entertaining Dolph Lundgren-fights-alien thriller I Come in Peace (aka Dark Angel) as well as Action Jackson, does his best, employing solid character actors Tobin Bell, Joanna Pacula, Steven Willams, John Kapelos, Jesse Vint, and John de Lancie (aka “Q” from Star Trek: The Next Generation) to make sense of D. Brent Mote’s muddled debut screenplay, but it’s all pretty yawn-worthy stuff.
Eegah (1962) d. Hall, Sr., Arch (USA) (2nd viewing)
***CLICK HERE FOR FULL BLU-RAY REVIEW***
Mary (2019) d. Goi, Michael (USA) (1st viewing)
***CLICK HERE FOR FULL BLU-RAY REVIEW***
HAPPY TURKEY DAY 2019 FROM KITLEY’S KRYPT
Mesa of Lost Women (1953) d. Ormond, Ron / Tevos, Herbert (USA) (2nd viewing)
***CLICK HERE FOR FULL MOVIE REVIEW***
4D Man (1959) d. Yeaworth, Jr., Irvin S. (USA) (1st viewing)
Made by the producing-directing team of the previous year’s smash The Blob, this serviceable little programmer is filled with that charming faux science typical of the era. In this case, we have cutting-edge theorist Tony Nelson (James Congdon) attempting to prove his hypothesis of solid objects passing through other solid objects. After he sets his previous employer’s laboratory on fire, he drifts into town to look up his equally brilliant but charisma-challenged sibling (Robert Lansing) for help; before long, the two brothers are working side by side with lovely Linda (future Catwoman Lee Meriweather), with romantic alliances ebbing and flowing as freely as the molecules in their experiments. Despite competent special effects and performances, there’s not a lot of urgency or dramatic momentum, making for a less-than-compelling viewing experience.
Billy the Kid vs. Dracula (1966) d. Beaudine, William (USA) (2nd viewing)
You just know that poor John Carradine he was biting his tongue, thinking “What the hell am I doing running around in the daylight as Dracula?” (Or maybe he was just saying nothing and happily picking up his check.) Whatever the case, he gamely bulges his eyes and emerges from behind covered wagons after the oh-so-fake bats fall back there to hypnotize lovely maiden such as Melinda Casey and Hannie Landman. On the other side of the fence, notorious gunslinger Billy’s (Chuck Courtney) outlaw past is dealt with the wonderful line, “That's all behind him now.” Oh, okay. Mighty forgiving, those frontier types. We also learn that while vampires cannot be harmed by bullets blazing from six-guns, they really need to learn to duck. Great fun from “One Shot” Beaudine, who had graced us with Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter earlier that same year.
Scream Baby Scream (1969) d. Adler, Joseph (USA) (1st viewing)
Oof. Aside from marking an early screenwriting credit by Larry Cohen, there’s not a lot to recommend in this meandering tale of a gang of college students – bent on experimenting with everything from LSD to art therapy – whose paths cross with a twisted artist (Jim Vance) whose subjects all showcase disfigured faces. Unfortunately, none of our characters are very pleasant to be around and Adler’s leaden pacing means we’re stuck with them for a long, long time. Look sharp for a brief appearance by Blood Freak’s infamous coughing narrator Brad F. Grinter as an art professor.
The Astro Zombies (1968) d. Mikels, Ted V. (USA) (2nd viewing)
A wildly erratic mélange of exploitation elements (International spies! Mad scientists! Sexy women! Biomechanical monsters! Scientific gobbledegook!) assault unsuspecting viewers, an experience aesthetically akin to having an overflowing garbage can unceremoniously dumped over one’s head. The plot, as near as one can figure, involves John Carradine creating the titular (and murderous) creations in his underground lair while Tura Satana and her goons attempt to steal the plans even as the CIA tries to round up the entire bunch. Be not fooled by this seemingly straightforward narrative – somehow writer/producer/director Mikels manages to conjure a film that is both completely insane and inert, with lengthy scenes of Carradine droning technical nonsense to his deformed assistant trading beats with Satana smoking and vamping. Co-written by Wayne Rogers of TV’s M*A*S*H* fame.
Crash! (1976) d. Band, Charles (USA) (1st viewing)
How this one flew under all of our radar for so long is beyond explanation. First off, it’s Charles Band’s first credited directorial gig, it features slumming stars like Oscar-winner Jose Ferrer and Lolita star Sue Lyon alongside veteran genre faces like John Carradine and Reggie Nalder, one of the cinematographers is future big-time director Andrew Davis (The Fugitive, Under Siege), and it’s about a FRIGGIN’ POSSESSED CAR (a full year before the quintessential possessed car flick hit drive-in screens)! But wait, there’s also an evil totem that doubles as a key-chain, automotive mayhem galore, and a flying Doberman attack that will leave your hands in the air and jaw on the floor. Next to The Maze, this is probably my favorite genre discovery of the year.
Blood Beat (1983) d. Zaphiratos, Fabrice A. (USA) (2nd viewing)
***CLICK HERE FOR FULL BLU-RAY REVIEW***
CIVILIAN:
In the Shadow of the Stars (1991) d. Light, Allie / Saraf, Irving (USA) (1st viewing)
Oscar-winning documentary about chorus members of the San Francisco Opera, exploring their mixed feelings about being overlooked despite being an integral ingredient to the dramatic experience.
Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) d. Miller, George (Australia/USA) (3rd viewing)
Sometimes you just need to put your feet up and watch the world go insane.
Strange and Unusual Christmas Films (2016) d. Various (USA) (1st viewing)
Wonderful collection of short features, most produced and/or repurposed for television, ranging from Czech stop-motion maestro Karel Zeman’s charming piece about a neglected toy’s desperate bid for attention, Santa taking a rest stop to tell a couple of doubting kids about Monkey Santa Claus and bobbing for pretzels, a screeching puppet show about finding a Santa for animals, a sober retelling of the origins of the perennial carol "Silent Night," and so on. Apparently, there is a Volume 2 out there as well, so stay tuned.
ANDREW DAVIS FILM FESTIVAL:
Under Siege (1992) d. Davis, Andrew (USA) (3rd viewing)
I haven’t watched a Steven Seagal movie in a very long time, but this one actually had me thinking that I might need to revisit a few of his earlier works (his first of which, Above the Law, was also directed by Davis) because I remember them being fairly entertaining. I also remember that this was the last worthwhile one before he descended into the maelstrom of egomania. Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey are in excellent unhinged form, Playboy Playmate and future Baywatch babe Erika Eleniak makes an impression in and out of her clothes, and the “Die Hard on a boat” plot works a treat.
The Fugitive (1993) d. Davis, Andrew (USA) (4th viewing)
After plugging away with minor mainstream releases for nearly a decade, Davis finally hit the big time with this stellar big-screen adaptation of Roy Huggins’ thrilling television drama about a falsely convicted doctor chasing a one-armed man responsible for the murder of his wife. He also had the good fortune of securing an outstanding cast led by Harrison Ford, re-teaming with Tommy Lee Jones (their third collaboration, one which resulted in a Best Supporting Actor Oscar win), delivering a holy-hell-how’d-they-do-that train crash, and making stellar use of his hometown Chicago locations.
Holes (2003) d. Davis, Andrew (USA) (1st viewing)
Adapting Louis Sachar’s hugely popular young-adult novel to the big screen for Disney seems like an odd fit for a guy who built his career on masculine action flicks and it feels a little, well, off. It’s definitely competent and efficient, but it never really feels grounded or inspired, and the disparate blend of fantasy, broad comedy, and youthful optimism knock up against each other instead of blending seamlessly. That said, the cast seems to be having a great time, especially Jon Voight as a cantankerous cartoon of a chain gang boss overseeing a group of juvenile delinquents (led by Shia LaBeouf), although Sigourney Weaver feels miscast as the flinty desert warden.
The Guardian (2006) d. Davis, Andrew (USA) (1st viewing)
Calling this "Top Gun for the Coast Guard’s rescue team" is not far off, with sturdy if unsurprising performances from its two main stars: Kevin Costner as a veteran field man transitioning to becoming an instructor of the next generation, his first class led by cocky, self-centered high-school swim champ Ashton Kutcher. Solid if unremarkable drama/action fare, with predictable beats of conflict, bonding, growth, heroism, and sacrifice.
CHUCKTOBER, VOL II:
Slaughter in San Francisco (1974) d. Lo, Wei (Hong Kong) (1st viewing)
Even though it’s not really a “Chuck Norris movie” since he’s only playing a supporting role as the crooked businessman causing all sorts of mischief and mayhem for a local Chinese-American Bay Area badge (Don Wong, playing a character called… Don Wong), this is a hilarious slice of chop-socky with exaggerated sound effects, bad dubbing, nonstop action (mostly of the car-chasing or ass-kicking variety), and Chuck’s impressive shoulder and chest hair on full display. Far and away the most flat-out entertaining (for all the wrong reasons) entry in Chuck’s filmography.
Firewalker (1986) d. Thompson, J. Lee (USA) (1st viewing)
Oh, boy. Whoever thought it was a good idea to pair up the comedy team of Chuck and Lou Gossett, Jr. for a high-spirited romp a la Romancing the Stone or Raiders of the Lost Ark has a lot to answer for. Melody Anderson does her best to elevate the proceedings with her wide-eyed guileless charm, but she’s fighting an uphill battle against the two duds, er, dudes, no, duds billed above her. We can hear the humor intended in Robert Gosnell’s script and can imagine them being funny coming out of someone else’s mouth, but Chuck manages to effortlessly flatten every laugh line. Unfortunately, things also come up short in the action department as well, since he only gets to sporadically dole out the whoop-ass. Screen veteran Thompson (The Guns of Navarone, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, 10 to Midnight) seems very much out of his element here.
Hero and the Terror (1988) d. Tannen, William (USA) (1st viewing)
Any movie with Ron O’Neal, Billy Drago, Steve James, and Jack O’Halloran (aka the powerhouse mute Non from the Christopher Reeve Superman movies) should at least have been accidentally amusing. Not so. In the hands of never-heard-of-this-guy Tannen, the action sequences land flat and the relationship scenes between Chuck and onscreen bride Brynn Thayer come off as exercises from an Acting 101 Scene Study class in which neither should receive a passing grade.
Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988) d. Norris, Aaron (USA) (1st viewing)
Rewriting the timeline of the previous two MIA films (in which Braddock was captured in 1972 and held in a POW camp until 1984), this latest and last installment sees our hero in Saigon circa 1975, trying unsuccessfully to get his wife (where'd she come from?) out of the country during the mass evacuations. Flash forward to 1988 when news arrives that she is still alive and living in poverty back in Vietnam, so Chuck grabs his gear, flouts his superiors, and lands in hot water with the local commandant while trying to bond with his newly discovered son. There’s torture and blowing stuff up real good and serious flag-waving, with brother Aaron taking over the reins from original MIA director Joseph Zito after “creative differences” arose, the first of seven he would do with his elder sibling (in addition to a number of Walker, Texas Ranger episodes).
Delta Force 2 (1990) d. Norris, Aaron (USA) (1st viewing)
A sequel in name only, this is just an excuse to send Chuck off to yet another foreign land to smack down some good ol’ American justice on the locals. Billy Drago is the baddest of bad South American druglords, while John P. Ryan (It’s Alive, Runaway Train) devours every piece of scenery not already earmarked to be detonated into splinters. Chuck can’t even be bothered to crack a smile or a one-liner, so intent is he on wrapping up his contract with Golan/Globus.
2019 Totals to Date: 420 films, 198 1st time views, 224 horror, 41 cinema
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