VALENTINE (2001) Blu-ray review

Valentine (2001) d. Jamie Blanks (USA) (96 min)

Four attractive young ladies are being stalked by the grown-up version of the awkward nerd they used to tease and torment in high school. Problem is, no one know what he looks like anymore, especially since when he exacts his sweet revenge, his visage is concealed by a Cupid’s mask. Broken hearts (and other mortal wounds) await! Blanks, following up his 1998 surprise smash hit, Urban Legend, unfortunately misses the bull’s-eye; while clearly emulating an ’80s slasher vibe, the murder and gore scenes have been trimmed down to a mere trickle and the strong and empowered female characters (yay!) conjured by the four, count ’em, four screenwriters (hmmmm) have no real spark or connection (boo!) and the men are even more nondescript (zzzzzz). Starring David Boreanaz (Angel, Bones), Denise Richards (Starship Troopers), Marley Shelton (Scream 4, Planet Terror), Katherine Heigl (Grey's Anatomy) and Jessica Capshaw (aka Steven Spielberg’s stepdaughter).

RAMPAGE (2018) movie review

Rampage (2018) d. Brad Peyton (USA) (97 min)

It’s not often that I get to say, “It’s exactly what you think it is,” but it’s rarely been as true. Rampage is a big, dumb, fun creature feature starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson opposite a giant spiky wolf named Giant Spiky Wolf (not really), a superhuge giant mutated alligator named Chompy the Chomptastic (not really), and a giant albino gorilla named George (really), all of which have been blown up to jumbo size thanks to some nefarious scientists meddling in, um, science and now everyone’s heading for Chicago to stomp the bejeepers out of everything because, um, urban devastation/monster mash porn.