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| "Sally, how many times do I have to tell you there's nothing under the bed?" |
Howdy, everyone!
Sorry for the delay in posting the remainder of July’s Views – August just stepped in, stepped up, and went wild on me. However, I’ve temporarily wrestled the beast to the ground (or maybe just distracted it with food) long enough to bang the rest of these out.
As mentioned before, this represents the second half of our impromptu SLY IN JULY festival, allowing me to knock out a number of flicks that have been on my radar for a long time (F.I.S.T., Paradise Alley) and others that felt like Fate was just daring me to take the plunge (Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot). Can’t say there were any great rewards to be reaped here, but the tally increased and I’m hopefully stronger for the experience since it clearly didn’t kill me. Wounded for sure, but not mortally.
Also knocked out my Kryptic Army Mission in the waning hours, as well as crossing another one of Rue Morgue’s Alternative Horror Films off the list. Every little step forward is a step forward….
As always, feel free to leave your two cents worth – we’ll make sure you get some change back.
Enjoy!
HORROR:
Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989) d. Tsukamoto, Shinya (Japan) (3rd viewing)
***CLICK HERE FOR FULL BLU-RAY REVIEW***
KRYPTIC ARMY MISSION: GO ASK ALICE (BIG AND SMALL)
Attack of the Super Monsters (1982) d. Sotyama, Toru / Wyner, Tom (Japan) (1st viewing)
***CLICK HERE FOR FULL DVD REVIEW***
Itsy Bitsy (2019) d. Gallo, Micah (USA) (1st viewing)
After ailing artifact collector Walter Clark’s (Bruce Davison) wife is “cursed” and dies, his former associate Ahkeeba (Treva Etienne) murders a group of African tribespeople, steals the ceremonial black egg of their spider goddess, and brings it to his former employer. When Clark rejects the gift, Ahkeeba smashes it, releasing an enormous arachnid that immediately takes up residence in Clark’s attic. Meanwhile, Clark’s new assisted-living nurse Kara (Elizabeth Roberts) and her two small children move into the guest house next door, setting the stage for all sorts of buggy thrills.
The end result is a perfectly decent giant spider movie bogged down by extraneous melodramatic elements (Kara is addicted to anti-anxiety medicine, brought on by the trauma of a car accident that claimed the life of her youngest son) and ill-written supporting characters (Denise Crosby is completely at sea as the small-town sheriff with nothing to do). That said, the scenes of spider action are well-executed, with some pleasingly gooey gore and practical creature effects. Not the worst nor the best and available streaming for free on Shout! Factory TV.
http://www.shoutfactorytv.com/itsy-bitsy/5e9eb9bcc86f5b0001417a39
CIVILIAN:
13 (Tzameti) (2005) d. Babluani, Gela (France (1st viewing)
I first became aware of this chilling “what if” scenario via the coming attractions on another DVD, followed by it showing up on Rue Morgue’s 200 Alternative Horror Movies list. After finally encountering it firsthand, I’m not sure I would call it a full-on horror flick, only because the intention does not seem to be to truly disturb but to offer social commentary cloaked within thriller trappings. A young and destitute immigrant handyman (George Babluani, the director’s younger brother), stiffed when his employer commits suicide before paying up, decides to impersonate the latter when he learns of a mysterious game with the chance for great financial gain. What he doesn’t realize, of course, is that the opening buy-in is his life itself and if things don’t go his way, his one-way ticket gets punched.
To say more would be to give away the central concept (which, of course, the trailer had already blown for me – thanks, marketing department), and this is a dish best approached with a clean slate and palate. Writer/director Babluani, himself the descendant of Georgian immigrants, offers a devastating condemnation of an unjust system where the poor are literal playthings for the idle rich, managing to squeeze a surprising amount of tension and mileage from its minimalist premise. The inevitable American remake (also directed by Babluani) followed in 2011, featuring a very cool cast (Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Ray Winstone, Alexander Skarsgard, Sam Riley, Michael Shannon, and Ben Gazzara, although since I had not heard of it until now, it doesn’t appear to have made a very big splash. I’ll likely be tracking it down soon out of pure morbid curiosity, so wish me luck.
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| "Yo, I made some movies...." |
SLY IN JULY, PART 2:
Creed (2015) d. Coogler, Ryan (USA) (2nd viewing)
It goes without saying that this is the best Rocky movie in years and gave Coogler the box office clout to direct Black Panther, so double plus-good there. Michael B. Jordan is terrific as the live-wire illegitimate son of Apollo Creed, while Stallone delivers perhaps the most subdued performance of his career. Made with affection for the 1976 original’s legacy while carving out a path of its own, and the training sequences (particularly the mitt work) are jaw-dropping without being cartoony. Jordan doesn’t generate the same kind of empathy that Sly’s lunkhead did, but darned if we aren’t rooting for him with every punch he throws. Oh, and that unbroken two-round tracking shot? AMAZING.
Creed II (2018) d Caple, Steven (USA) (1st viewing)
Sigh. It’s exactly what I feared it was going to be. I understand the juvenile desire to witness the son of Apollo Creed fighting the son of Ivan Drago, the man who killed his father, but it’s a third-grade schoolyard recess discussion, not a premise worthy of a major Hollywood movie. (And don’t even throw the “Well, there have been worse ideas” defense at me because that dog don’t hunt.) The worst thing about it is watching all of these talented artists trying to imbue it with some sort of integrity. Everyone looks great, everyone’s trying really hard, everyone is keeping a straight face, and Dolph Lundgren is smiling ear-to-ear (behind his Drago stone face) to be back on the big screen again. Florian Munteanu is an absolute physical beast as his onscreen son Viktor, but it’s so formulaic as to be laughable and the climactic battle is surprisingly unclimactic. Ring the bell, boys.
F.I.S.T. (1978) d. Jewison, Norman (USA) (1st viewing)
Hot off Rocky, United Artists was willing to let their newly minted golden boy do anything, including play a Jimmy Hoffa-like Teamster leader who rises to the top, sacrificing his friends and soul along the way. Stallone is trying hard, but he’s not well cast, and his much ballyhooed tinkering with Joe Eszterhaus’ screenwriting debut feels ill-advised. Additionally, the movie is too long and episodic to sustain interest, a rare misfire for Jewison who had been on a roll until that point (The Cincinnati Kid, In the Heat of the Night, Fiddler on the Roof, Jesus Christ Superstar, Rollerball). Jewison later reported that the star had been forced upon him by the studio and given too much leeway; Stallone admitted as much in a Variety interview years later.
Grudge Match (2013) d. Segal, Peter (USA) (1st viewing)
Ummmmmm, was anyone really clamoring for an over-the-hill boxing comedy with an elevator pitch of “Rocky vs. Raging Bull”? I think not. Then again, neither Stallone or De Niro are all that choosy these days with regard to their projects and I’m sure the idea seemed like a hoot for them, even if the feeling is not mutual for the viewer. De Niro certainly seems to be enjoying himself as the randy tavern owner with a 30-year-old score to settle, and the script tries to give him a little meat to chew on in the form of Jon Bernthal as his illegitimate offspring (with a cute little grandson in tow). Sly, on the other hand, is relegated to playing the gloomy gus galoot who just wants to be left alone. Meanwhile, Alan Arkin and Kevin Hart do their best to run away with the movie, lighting up every scene they appear in, and when it’s just the two of them…? That’s the movie that we didn’t even know we wanted to see.
Paradise Alley (1978) d. Stallone, Sylvester (USA) (1st viewing)
Remember that bit about UA letting Sly do anything he wanted? Universal and executive producer Edward R. Pressman decided to do them one better by allowing him to write, direct, star, and SING THE TITLE SONG for his next feature about a trio of brothers growing up in NYC during the 1940s. Stallone plays Cosmo, the wisecracking grifter always looking for the easy buck, with Lee Canalito as an easily influenced idiot with muscles on his muscles and a heart of gold to match his empty head and Armand Assante (in his big screen debut) as an emotionally muted war veteran who now feels more comfortable embalming cadavers than interacting with the living. When Cosmo hits on the notion to have his strongman sibling become a professional wrestler, the stage is set for all sorts of disreputable ring antics, including a finale featuring real-life grappler Terry Funk. It’s not a complete disaster, but there are too many ill-advised artistic choices and characters switching motivations without, well, motivation to keep the eyebrows from furrowing in puzzlement and disbelief.
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992) d. Spottiswoode, Roger (USA) (1st viewing)
Yup. I did it. While Stallone’s previous attempt at an out-and-out comedy, 1991’s Oscar (reviewed earlier this month) proved to be an underrated gem, this one is just as bad as you could expect from the title. I mean, seriously, who thought this was a good idea? The story goes that Stallone’s agent pushed his client into it, saying, “If you don’t do it, Schwarzenegger’s going to do it!” The funny thing is, I can see Arnold’s stiff presence and fish-out-of-water accent actually working for him here. Unfortunately, Sly can’t think of anything to do but sigh, look put upon, and sporadically shriek in annoyed fashion. Estelle Getty is clearly enjoying her big screen paycheck, while JoBeth Williams and Roger Rees look equal parts embarrassed and hopeful that they’ll survive this nonsense with reputations unscathed. (It didn’t hurt their careers too much, although it sure didn’t help.) Spottiswoode, who has enjoyed success with action AND comedy (Turner and Hooch, The Best of Times, Shoot to Kill, Tomorrow Never Dies) whiffs on both here. And yes, Stallone actually says the title phrase in the movie!
2020 Totals to Date: 252 films, 176 first time views, 79 horror, 2 cinema
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