Things (1989) d. Jordan, Andrew (Canada)
Seriously, there are no words to describe the astonishing transcendent awfulness of this Canadian DIY Super-8/16mm feature. Fellow cinematic adventurer and Liquid Cheese creator Dave Kosanke and I both looked at each other when it was over and said, "I can safely say I've never seen anything like that before. And that's saying something." Absolutely one of the worst-produced films ever to see legit release, and yet, so completely ineptly terrible on every single level that you just can't stop watching.
It’s as close to a waking nightmare as you can imagine, where a sort of internal illogic takes over. Why is that guy taking off his coat and putting it in the freezer? Why are those guys just talking calmly while that bloody bug is crawling out of his wife's belly? Why does it sound like everyone is dubbed twice? Why is porn star Amber Lynn playing a (clothed) TV news reporter who seems to have omniscient knowledge about the events within this little Nova Scotia house when it's happening right now and there is no one else around? Does it not bother anyone that she's clearly looking five feet offscreen to read her lines?
These and many other questions will confound your synapses for the 95 minutes it takes to realize director Jordan and lead actor Barry Gillis’ screenplay’s hazy vision, but by the end there will only be a sense of great accomplishment and the profound realization of having ventured where very few can claim to have gone. You’ve seen some THINGS
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